A play in two scenes
SCENE I. The entrance to Heaven. St. Peter stands in front of a desk at stage right, with a book and bell on the desk. We can see clouds in the background. Two scripture scholars, Ernst and Jim, enter stage left, talking with each other. They walk toward stage right without noticing St. Peter.
Note: the names Ernst and Jim were chosen at random. Other names can be substituted.
ERNST. But surely you can see that the structure of the passage argues for the objective genitive.
JIM. Quite the opposite, I assure you. If you weren’t so intent on proving your own point, you would finally be able to see that the syntactic –
ERNST. But the chiastic structure must be obvious to you, once I had pointed it out in my 2005 article. It removes any possible accusations of repetitions, and is in fact the only way in which one can interpret the passage without hypothesizing either that St. Paul doesn’t really know Greek or that the manuscripts are hopelessly corrupt. But all the best manuscripts agree on these sentences, which clearly leaves you no leg to stand on.
The two come to a stop before St. Peter, who waits for them to acknowledge his presence. As the dialog continues, St. Peter begins to drum his fingers on the desk.
JIM. No, no, no, my dear sir. I have to assume that you have not read my latest paper, in which I conclusively show that only the subjective genitive interpretation can be supported by the references to the Greek philosophers and the Hebrew prophets. Not only that, but –
St. Peter clears his throat, slightly annoyed.
JIM. Not only that, but I have shown a way of laying out the phrases that is fully consistent with Paul’s knowledge of Greek, which of course we all realize is excellent, and furthermore accords with the highest rhetorical standards of –
ST. PETER. Gentlemen!
They suddenly notice him, surprised. They look around with curiosity, noticing their surroundings for the first time.
ST. PETER. [With self-control] I welcome both of you to Heaven.
They look at each other, surprised, then look around. They finally understand where they are and who they are talking to.
ERNST AND JIM. [Flustered and embarrassed] Oh … thank you … gee … Er, delighted … Uh, thank you very much.
ST. PETER. You are very welcome. Heaven is a big place, with many mansions, and very easy to get lost in, so if you’d like, I can show you around a bit. That way you can see what various areas and delights are available, and you decide where you would like to start your voyage in eternity.
JIM AND ERNST. Thank you very much.
ST. PETER. Perhaps there is someone from the communion of saints that you would like to commune with. I can see that you two are scholars. Personally, I like to talk with the fishermen. There’s a fellow here called Melville who has been telling us the most remarkable story – it’s been going on a long time – I’m not sure how it’s going to end –
JIM. I would like to see St. Paul.
ERNST. Me, too!
ST. PETER. Paul? You mean of Tarsus? Saul? [He looks pained] But nobody ever wants to – I mean, he might be very busy now. Maybe you’d like to talk with somebody else for a while, until he frees up.
ERNST. You see, we’re scripture scholars. In fact, [to Jim] weren’t we just on a plane on the way to the Society of Biblical Literature meeting?
JIM. Hmm, yes. Indeed, I vaguely recall the stewardess telling people to put their heads down or something.
ERNST. And wasn’t there some noise, like yelling or screaming? I didn’t pay much attention.
JIM. I can’t remember. There was this very important point about the use of alliteration and nested structure –
ERNST. [To St. Peter] Anyway, we would definitely like to talk with Paul, just as soon as possible.
ST. PETER. You’re Catholic, right? How about Thomas Aquinas? I’m sure that he would be available. Or Raymond Brown?
JIM. No, no. We want to go straight to the source.
ST. PETER. Perhaps the Good Lord? He is always happy to talk with everyone. [Thinking] Though he does seem to prefer the riffraff to the scholars.
ERNST. Please, when can we see St. Paul?
ST. PETER. [Hesitating] Well, he’s over there in the non-kosher section ….
ERNST. Isn’t everybody?
ST. PETER. Oh my no. All the disciples, the Good Lord of course, and – well, just about everybody I know is in the main section. Non-kosher, well, there are people there, of course ….
ERNST. But I thought that you decided it wasn’t necessary to keep kosher. That Christians could be free of the dietary laws.
ST. PETER. Well, yes, I suppose I did get talked into that. But who wants to eat that treif stuff, anyway? It’s really disgusting. I mean, ham is not too bad, but bacon? And creepy animals like lobsters? Toads? You want to eat toads?
JIM. Anyway, we’d like to see Paul, please. If it wouldn’t be too much trouble.
ST. PETER. Oh, okay. I’ll take you over there. You’ll be able to find your way back easily enough.
He leads them off stage right.
SCENE 2. A comfortable room with a table laden with food, including a large ham and several bottles of wine. Three men in first century dress are lounging around on comfortable-looking chairs, drinking and talking quietly. St. Peter enters stage left with ERNST and JIM. The men look up.
TIMOTHY. Company! Welcome, gentlemen. Come join us at the Heavenly banquet. I can see that you have fought the good fight and won the race. Have a seat.
ST. PAUL. Peter, good to see you. Welcome, gentlemen! Here, I can fetch some more chairs.
TIMOTHY. Oh Paul, let me do it.
ERNST. Oh no, we don’t mean to interrupt you! We just dropped by briefly because we need to ask St. Paul something.
TITUS. Oh, you don’t need the “Saint” here. Unless you’d like us to call you – [he looks questioningly at Peter]
ST. PETER Saint Ernst and St. Jim. Paul, Titus, Timothy.
PAUL. Ernst and Jim, welcome to you both!
JIM. Actually, we have an important question we’d like to ask you.
ERNST. Yes, if you have a minute.
PAUL For you, I have all eternity! What is the question?
JIM Well, there is a passage in your letter to the Galatians, where you say that we are saved by pistis Cristou. Now, people wonder whether that is the subjective genitive, that is the faith that Jesus showed, or the objective genitive, our faith in Jesus as the Messiah.
PAUL. [To Peter] Do you know what he is talking about?
Peter shrugs.
PAUL. What letter?
ERNST. Your letter to the Galatians!
PAUL. Hmm. Oh yes, I think I remember the Galatians. Did I write them a letter?
JIM. Yes! We’ve been studying it in great detail.
PAUL. I’m sorry, gentlemen. I just don’t remember any letter. I did use to write letters. All the time, in fact. I dashed them off in a great rush. Always rushing here and there. So little time to tell everyone the good news. And all those beatings and imprisonments – such a nuisance. Yes, thank Heavens for the mail!
JIM. But surely you remember your letter to the Galatians! Justification by faith?
PAUL. I can see that this means a lot to you, but you’re talking about something that happened a long time ago. It must be hundreds of years by now ….
JIM. Two thousand years!
PAUL. That is a long time. In any event, too long to remember every letter I ever wrote. Why don’t you two sit down with us and have some wine?
ERNST. I understand that it’s been a long time. But surely you can tell us which is the case. Are we saved by the faith that Jesus showed –
PAUL Yes, indeed.
JIM Or is it our faith in Jesus?
PAUL That’s right.
Jim and Ernst look at each other, baffled.
TITUS We also have beer, if you’d like.
JIM Actually, some wine would be good.
ERNST I’d like a glass, too.
PAUL Peter, will you stay and have a drop with us? I’ll just run get some more chairs.
ST. PETER [eyeing the ham with a jaundiced eye] No thanks, I’d better be going.
[aside to St. Paul] Don’t let them meet Origen or Luther until they’ve had a chance to mellow out a bit.
Peter leaves and the curtain falls.